Government Shutdown: Beer Goggles
When it comes to our political candidates, there's nothing Americans like more than "likability". Every Representative in Congress is there because that have shown themselves favorable enough to represent the values of their constituents, but more importantly the 535 members of Congress represent the people Americans would most like to have a beer with. And ever since a 2004 Zogby/Williams poll question popularized the drinking buddy as a litheness test for likability, the results have always tended to favor Republicans. Sadly, the Government Shutdown has changed that...
Being the person-you-would-rather-have-a-beer-with means different things to different people and if you're like me, who that person is depends on the mood you're in. Some nights the person I would rather have a beer with is the one who can philosophize for hours about the meaning of life, and sometimes that person is the one who's going to play Edward 40-hands and then take a leak on my neighbors yard butt. And it appears as though a couple years ago, enough people were in the right mood to vote for the latter.
Now, I can see why - for some in America - it would have been appealing to go for this type of drinking buddy; the charismatic Republican. Thousands were out of work, the economy was bad, and their traditional morals seemed so disjointed. Sometimes you just want to escape your problems and have a beer with the kind of person who shakes things up and brings a party to life! But it's a giant leap from lawn ornament pissing to putting thousands more Americans out of work, putting vital programs on hold and not paying our nations Veterans. Sometimes, the person who brings a party to life can take it too far and immediately bring it to a screeching halt.
So - and I hate to be the one that has to say it, but - Republicans, America no longer wants to have a beer with you.
Look, America invited you because they wanted you to be a part of this thing. Not so you could show up at the last minute with a six-pack of Bud Light Lime, make everyone stop drinking and insist that we get rid of all the other beer because, as you insist, "Everyone should drink Bud Light Lime instead -- it's better for business, it's better for America!" There's not enough of your beer for everyone and it's Bud Light Lime! (I know you picked it because you think women love it - we don't.) Plus, America already decided that we would have a variety of beer and in equal amounts available for everyone, that's why we're doing this. And was we've repeated several times now, it's already happening.
Now, America isn't saying that they wouldn't want to have a beer with you ever again, just not right now with you the way that you're acting. Please stop insisting you're fine when you're not making any sense and talking to us with your eyes closed. Have some water and we'll find somewhere to prop you upright so when you pass out you won't choke on your own vomit. We're gonna keep this thing going for awhile so feel free to sleep as long as you want; you can join us when you wake up. And don't worry, you know how America is, after they've been here awhile and they've had a few, you'll probably start to look good to them again.