The Presidential Primary is finally winding down, the candidate field is quickly narrowing and the question weighing on everyone's mind remains, "When will it end?" Sure it was fun in the beginning, like watching Satan, Hitler and Christian Laettner battle it out. It was fantastic seeing Hitler and Christian Laettner get their asses kicked until you realized you were cheering for Satan. At which point you thought, “Maybe Christian Laettner’s not that bad a guy...” which is an idea you never wanted to entertain. So then you thought, “There’s no way I can continue to watch this and feel okay about myself. Maybe if I stop paying attention it’ll all just go away.”
But that's a terrible attitude to have! It is essential that we familiarize ourselves with these candidates and remain actively involved in the democratic process. So, in an effort to make this last leg a bit more palatable, I’ve taken the candidates and reimagined them in the way that I reimagine most things I’ve lost interest in: by pretending they are beer.
I welcome you all to the great Presidential Taste of 2016! Here now, are our candidates...
Republican Beer Candidates
Our first Republican Beer candidate is the self proclaimed "Champagne of Beers" Miller High Life. Miller High Life is one of those beers that you tend to forget about until they put out a new ad campaign. Their latest was entitled “I Am Rich,” where a man makes hyperbolic statements about living a rich life over footage of him being a “normal” man. Miller High Life is recognizable by its golden tint and an ornate gold foil that covers its body. It smells like an American Adjunct Lager which is a nice way of saying it smells of corn. This is, of course, because Miller uses lot of corn in the brewing process as it cuts down on price while upping alcohol content. It also tastes of watery corn, very bubbly and unbalanced, but you'd never know it from their ads, as they classically state, “You be the judge: compare Miller High Life, the champagne of beer, with any other brand. That’s all we ask. We know the result.” Yes, we know you think you do Miller, and we all hope to God you’re wrong.
Our second Republican candidate is Bud Light, “the perfect beer for removing no from your vocabulary” AKA American’s creepiest, (maybe rapeyest) beer. Bud Light is a beer hated by millions and yet remains extremely popular and appears to also be loved by millions of people who--shall we say--have less distinguishing tastes. Appearance is standard pale straw with a small white head. On the nose, another American Adjunct Lager (AAL) though this is a light AAL and thus the taste is watery with hints of corn, which also a great way of describing the urine. This beer is not the beer you'd choose at the beginning of the night, and is typically a beer you only drink if it's near closing time and you’re already totally fucked up. As for me, I'll be keeping no in my vocabulary, thanks.
Our third candidate is for some unexplainable reason your mother’s favorite, Heineken. Though popular, this brew is far from being a really great beer -- but don’t take my word for it, just ask Dennis Hopper. It's a corporate beer that's produced for the masses, smells and tastes skunky, and is a bit off-putting. There’s almost a harshness to it with a very dry finish. Despite it's extremely unpleasant taste, it’s considered a favorite among this group of candidates. My guess is that most Americans believe this to be a high quality beer simply because it’s obviously an import, but it’s no better than any of the American Adjunct Lagers in this field.
Our fourth candidate is the "official beer of the clam", Narragansett. This proclaimed "moderate" beer has a mild smell, taste is very grain forward with none of the unpleasant off-aromas present in your typical AAL. Taste is bland but with no unnecessary sweetness in the aftertaste and has a little bite to it. This is one I don’t mind as much and, judging from the packaging, is definitely the most appealing among non-Republican drinkers. It's a pleasant enough AAL to be considered "okay," though again, "beer of the clam"? I say let the clams decide!
This is our fifth and final candidate and I know what you're thinking: "What is this?" Miller Fortune, by name alone, sounds fancy or at least different and potentially better than the other candidates. But this style is merely Miller's attempt at brewing for the craft beer crowd, because nothing says craft like the name "Fortune." Sadly, the appearance and name do nothing for it. Upon opening, we find it is in fact the lamest of these candidates. There's no hoppiness or bitterness, it's just flat and malty. Basically, it tastes like bread. Not toasted bread, just stale, unsliced, three day old bread. As one Beer Advocate reviewer put it "Absolutely horrible beer. Bought a six pack, drank 2 and gave the rest to a homeless person." And I’d like to take this opportunity to say, if a beer is not good enough for you, it’s not good enough for those who have the least among us. They deserve better, and so do we. If we improve the quality of life for the poorest residents in our country, society as a whole will benefit. #givegoodbeertothehomeless
Sadly, we won't be seeing the Republican beer candidate that dropped out this past weekend: Dos Equis… Stay Thirsty My Friends.
democratic beer candidates
And now, for the Democratic Beer Candidates! Our first of the two major Democratic Beers, you know well. You see it pretty much everywhere beer is sold -- Blue Moon. Even though Blue Moon is heavily mass produced, it still continues to market itself as a craft beer even though many are fully aware it's MillerCoors. Blue Moon, a citrusy, zesty brew, is definitely favored among the ladies, though not necessarily the preferred witbier among witbiers. It smells sweet and yeasty (don’t think about it). Relatively smooth, overall this is a decent, familiar that is exactly what you'd expect from a wit beer, with very little surprises and zero mystery and it really REALLY wants to be your favorite beer.
The second Democratic Beer contender is one that most of America isn’t super familiar with, and because of the name, a little unsure of, but those who know it love it well: Smuttynose Finest Kind. This flavorful IPA is pleasantly balanced by a smooth bitterness. This is definitely not a training wheels IPA -- very solid and distinctive. The only true craft beer of the candidates, and if that’s important to you, this would be the one to pick. If it's not available in your area DEMAND that you get it if for no other reason than to check it out.
Our last beer candidate is one you'll probably never get: Alchemist Heady Topper. There are many that may not have heard of Heady Topper because it is a rare beer most commonly seen in the Northeast. It looks like it would be a lot of fun to have all the time but in reality, completely untenable. Aroma is a rainbow of colorful tropical fruits, this is a beer that insists you "drink from the can" so one is advised the best way to enjoy this beer is to let it stay in its original packaging. The taste is citrus and grapefruit that is slightly bitter but so smooth it completely disguises the unsurprisingly high amount of alcohol contained in this beer. I don't know if Heady Topper would be my all around pick, but it sure is enjoyable and I'm VERY grateful for it.
This concludes the nominees for 2016's Presidential Taste. You are now free to depart to the voting booths, aka, your local bar, liquor store or grocery. Use your discerning palates to choose wisely, and enjoy!